Archive for Etiquette
Disagreements: Keeping a Sense of Proportion
The following is an anecdote I wish to share particularly with my Muslim readers, as it pertains to the etiquettes of disagreement in matters of understanding the religion. Other readers may benefit more from the early part as well as the general principles in the conclusion.
—-
A common theme expressed by Muslim speakers when addressing audiences with varied backgrounds is the common origin of all humanity from a single mother and father. As the Qur’an says:
[O mankind, indeed We created you from a (single) male and female, and made you into nations and tribes so you may know one another. Truly, the noblest of you in the sight of God is the most righteous of you. Indeed, God is Knowing and Acquainted.] (Al-Hujurat 49:13)
In other words, people all over the world form a single human family comprised of different languages and colours, and also different creeds.
This point is so obvious as not to require further evidence from scripture, but indeed there are other verses of relevance. In particular, various prophets are described as the “brother” of their people, including Prophet Lut (Lot, peace be upon him) who was not even a blood relation (in the immediate sense) of the people of Sodom to whom he was sent:
[The people of Lut denied the messengers, when their brother Lut said to them: “Will you not fear (God)? Indeed, I am to you a trustworthy messenger.”] (Ash-Shu`araa’ 26:160-162)
Admittedly, there is a verse that seems to contradict the notion of a universal human brotherhood, and it appears in the same chapter as the first verse quoted above:
[The believers are but brothers...] (Al-Hujurat 49:10)
However, we should note that technically, what the verse denies is that the believers are anything to one another except a brotherhood. It does not preclude describing the broader human race as a brotherhood. It should also be noted that the Arabic term “ukhuwwah” is not as male-specific as the English translation implies.
In short, there is a brotherhood – and sisterhood – based on faith, and that is what the Muslims share with one another and nobody else. It is the concept of “Ummah”, or a single diverse nation. At the same time, Muslims share with all other children of Adam and Eve a family bond: brotherhood in humanity.
The Art of Apology
There can be many reasons to apologise, and this is a must when you have done something wrong by another person, even an adversary. A sincere apology opens hearts, and that is why it can even have uses when you are not entirely in the wrong. Sometimes you may search for something in your behaviour to apologise for, just to engage the other person and bring an emotional aspect into the dialogue. It is probably beyond all civilised behaviour to reject a sincerely presented apology, and doing so would make the rejecter seem mean-spirited and would in fact weaken his standing in any debate.
I regularly come across “bogus apologies”, where a form of words is used that is supposed to count as an apology while lacking the hallmarks of sincerity. The professionals at this are those journalists with a penchant for smearing or libelling groups of people. Remember Robert Kilroy-Silk? Rather than apologise for his racist diatribe in 2003, he said: “It has obviously caused great distress and offence and I can only reiterate that I very deeply regret that.”
People tend to dislike being asked for an apology, but I believe we should welcome this invitation. If someone knows – or believes – that I have done something wrong, I want them to tell me rather than store some resentment which could have repercussions farther down the line. Least of all do I want to meet my Lord while some person has a rightful claim against me which we did not settle in earthly life. This is part of the spirit behind the saying of ‘Umar b. al-Khattab: “God bless the person who gifts me my faults.”
An apology – and its acceptance – should draw a firm line under an issue and any subsequent mention of the matter should be avoided as far as possible. Unfortunately, some people like to bring up old grievances that they had supposedly forgiven, rather than letting old wounds heal over completely.
With these things in mind, I have compiled this simple guide to apologising, which is based upon Islamic teachings of how to repent to God Almighty for our sins – see, for example, the writings of Imam Ibn Qayyim Al-Jawziyyah.
